“Many customers are buying one for each side of the bed!”

October 20, 2007

I notice America came very late to the whole cellphone thing. I wonder if there’s a similar problem here; you guys know you can get these things called ‘alarm systems’, right?

(Thanks, Lee!)


  1. There’s little I want more than a loaded shotgun practically in my bed while I toss and turn repeatedly, struggling to get comfortable every night.

    To me, it’s the essence of safety.

    God bless J’America and all of that.

  2. Well, I knew the world had gone mad, but bloody hell! I’m speechless.

  3. Just what ive always wanted, mines currently under my pillow and its not very comfortable!!
    “Allowing you access to your shotgun”?? Is this a problem for a lot of Americans then?? How can they have high crime rates when everyones ‘packing heat’ (oooh, check me out!!!)
    I half expected to see a woman tucking her kids in with one of those on each bed!!
    Aww, only in Amelica!!

  4. LOL @ “The Backup is not intended for homes with children”. Where do you dig this shit up from Graham?

  5. This so way off topic, but I wanted to share.


    I got to a vocab level of 43, which is so… like… yeah!

  6. brilliant, thing is, i couldn’t buy that, i’d have a nightmare about vampires, and blow my girlfriends sleeping brains out before realising it was a dream.

    his and hers bedside gun racks?
    this genuinly is insane stuff. how about a grenade cup in the bathroom?

  7. oh my …

  8. How can they have high crime rates when everyones ‘packing heat’ (oooh, check me out!!!)

    If more citizens were armed the crime rate would defintely drop. But that is unpopular thought isn’t it?

  9. Erm.. yeah id say that was unpopular seeing as it makes no sense. If people start vigilante it just sparks more crime.

  10. Not only that, it looks like the type of thing that you’d scrape the backs of your legs on EVERY time you got out of bed. The funny thing is, I bet someone in America sues the company for that. “Yes your honour, my youngest son unexpectedly came into the bedroom one night asking for a glass of water, and as I swung my legs out to retrieve my Justice-Giver, I received a clear and present owwie to the back of my knee. I claim 52 million dollars. Yee-haw.”

  11. …”And because you can’t be there for your young ones 24/7, we recommend our new cot-mounted machine gun turrets for protection against sex monsters and ethnic minorities. Available in pink or blue.”
    God bless America, somebody has to I suppose.

  12. “Many people are buying one for each side of the bed!”

    And marrying left-handed women so as not to waste time as the spouse grabs the gun and transfers it to her good hand.

  13. Oh and —

    “If more citizens were armed the crime rate would defintely drop.”

    Who do you think commits all the crimes? Citizens! And you want them all to have guns?

  14. What?? so they can have wet dreams knowing their bang bang sticks are at arms length while they’re unconscious but moving all night..??!!
    Nice one G, you’re on toppa tings as usual..

  15. Hmm, huge cars and guns. What is it they’re trying to make up for again?

  16. […] Exhibit A […]

  17. […] Many customers are buying one for each side of the bed […]

  18. […] THIS is funny ….. and scary. […]

  19. It must be great living in Britain. With no political corruption or stupid people, you can spend all of your time obsessing about the U.S.

    Wait though…I’ve lived in Britain. I’m pretty sure I could drum up some stereotypical bullshit if I wanted to.

    Seriously, I’m a HUGE fan of all your work Graham, but it seems like you’ve really got it in for anything American (stupid or not) and as an American fan it’s disheartening.

    A lot of people commenting on here are happy to jump on the bandwagon, yet I’d be willing to bet most of them have never set foot in this country. Forming opinions this way is nothing short of ignorant. What if the rest of the world based their knowledge and opinion of Britain on an episode of EastEnders or the worst news stories (which, let’s face it, are the only ones you hear about generally).

    Finally, for all the anti-US sentiment I hear from British actors, producers and media in general, I can’t help but notice they’re always willing to cash big fat American checks. At least walk it like you talk it. This isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, by the way.

    Sorry to go on like that, but hopefully someone will read this and rethink their views.

  20. “It must be great living in Britain. With no political corruption or stupid people, you can spend all of your time obsessing about the U.S”

    It’s an American advert… talking about right to bear arms etc…

  21. mawgen, I know. It just seems that the vast majority of blogs and comments here are shots at the US. I mean fair enough, there’s certainly a lot to make fun of. But wouldn’t you eventually take issue if an American did nothing but mock and attack Britain? It just seems that a large portion of people over there spend waaaay to much time worrying about what WE’RE up to, and not enough on their own messes. I’m not talking about global thing like the war; That’s fair game for anyone’s opinion.

  22. “It must be great living in Britain. With no political corruption or stupid people, you can spend all of your time obsessing about the U.S.”
    Have you ever watched Brass Eye?

    It’s an advert about having guns at the side of your bed, its hilarious something so dangerous, nay stupid, has just been rationalised!

  23. Whoah, Brian! Hold it right there! I blog about anything that catches my interest, regardless of where it comes from, and if you read the rest of my posts you’ll see I have a huge respect for American comedy, American comic artists, novelists, film-makers, journalists and so on.

    I myself don’t like the knee-jerk anti-Americanism that pops up sometimes in the comments and I wish people would can it. It doesn’t distinguish between ordinary Americans and, (say) the lunatics behind the above product, but also, it’s rude. Everyone who visits this site is a guest and they should be treated with respect. Please bear that in mind when posting comments. (Anyone who doesn’t will be marked as spam.)

    However, I reserve my right to blog about American politics and society because so much of what happens over there effects the rest of the world. It is deeply disturbing to the rest of the world that you have an administration that tortures people, a completely out-of-control gun lobby, religious fundamentalism on the rise (no-one in Britain in Ireland could run on a creationist ticket and be taken as anything other than a nut) and right-wing pundits like Anne Coulter or BillO, who are so evil that they just take my breath away.

    There really is very little over this side of the water to equal the current craziness in America and I blog about it because it’s so tragic and funny and interesting. We have our corrupt idiots, but Bush and Co…well, they’re in a whole different league, baby.

  24. I think the reason Brits feel so strongly about American politics is because we have an inherent respect for our US cousins and hate to see them being represented so badly by a backwards government.
    As Ari Gold would say, “Let’s hug it out, bitches.”

  25. Sorry, but did someone just ask an Irishman what they know about being mocked?

  26. *rolls over*

  27. I think Brian’s comment was probably provoked more by the racist/ignorant comments which followed the original post, and that really his point was nothing more than, “not all Americans agree with this stuff, you know”.

    As Graham pointed out, people often let their annoyance with American politics cloud the fact that most Americans are, in fact, just normal people like everyone else, and not representative of their government or any other craziness that’s found on the internet.

  28. Thanks for clearing that up Graham. Sorry to have vented like that and again, please understand it wasn’t directed entirely at you. It was some of the comments that set me off. I wouldn’t even care if I wasn’t such a total fan.

    You’re spot on about political corruption and creationism (don’t even get me started on that one).

    The gun issue, however, is a lot more complex. I was taught how to be a responsible gun user/owner as a child by my great uncle. He was a WWII vet and generally the greatest man I’ve ever known. Other than the years I spent in Scotland as a teen, I’ve pretty much always had a gun of some kind around. Not for any paranoid or “tough guy” reason, but because I enjoy target and skeet shooting. I don’t hunt, being the biggest animal lover on the planet, and I’ve never once had the desire to commit a violent crime. Neither have any of the other gun owners I know. The problem is the criminals who ignore the gun laws.

    Contrary to what is seen on the news, it’s actually not the wild west over here. The inner cities is where most of these shootings happen, despite the fact that there are far more guns in rural areas. It’s the people, not the guns.

    I know it’s a tough issue and I’m unlikely to change anyone’s mind. I’d just like you all to know that there are millions of very responsible gun owners here and that you only hear about the illegal owners. It’s actually not an easy or quick thing to obtain a gun legally – nor should it be.

    That being said, the product above is f-ing ridiculous and ripe for mockery. Just know we’re not ALL like that.

    Thanks again for taking the time Graham. Now go produce some more genius!

  29. Just as a “reality check” follow up for people who think this might represent the average person in America: Just go look that the stunning professional website mentioned in the advert. Clearly this is a big company and not just the idea of one or two nutcases.

    Also, for any clever people thinking of buying “The Backup”, remember that in most cases of home invasion, any guns used for “self protection” are, in fact, more often that not, involved in the accidental shooting of a family member or just simply taken by the perpetrator and used on the home-owner or the home-owner’s family.

  30. Eastenders isn’t real?

  31. Also, just to help squish any remaining ignorance that might be floating around; Canada, Finland and Switzerland have more guns per-capita than America, so the issue is indeed a little more complicated than just control issues.

    (I personally, having lived in America, blame the hideous state of the news (and related shows) making people think there’s an insane murderer or potential death around every flipping corner!)

    Gosh… the comedy… where has it gone? I’ll shut up now, I promise.

  32. Group hug?

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